Talking as Self-Care

It has taken me a while to finish this post. The last few weeks have been really draining. I’ve swung from high to low on a daily basis, feeling empowered and out of control, struggling to manage myself and my mental health. I’ve been trying to bring myself back to the blog and see it as self-care but sometimes it is just easier to avoid things that are challenging or scary. Sometimes you’re avoiding them because it is the healthiest thing for you at the time. It isn’t always clear which category I am in.

I started this blog as an outlet to share my experiences but its hard to write about the things I have spent years hiding from everyone around me. In my most recent therapy session, I said something out loud which I don’t think I had even admitted to myself. I immediately burst into tears. Saying it out loud allowed me to just let go and be upset. I was embarrassed but it was necessary.

I have always been told I am too private,  like a brick wall, and I never really cared. I didn’t want people to know what was going on because I was so ashamed. For years I held things in and taught myself to hide what I really needed, letting it boil away inside me, till it burst out. I’d cry or get angry in situations that seemed unreasonable.  Talking to people I love and trust was a really important part of my recovery but I still struggle with it massively.

Talking as self-care is hard to define: in one way establishing boundaries for yourself (what you are willing or unwilling to share) is a key part of self-care but for me my boundaries can be so huge they can easily become barriers. Finding a safe way to talk about things is incredibly important but also goes against an instinct I have honed over decades. If it was easy I would already be doing it!

I spent 20 weeks in therapy and was told by my therapist at the end of it that they felt like they barely knew anything about me. It took a further 30 weeks of therapy with a new mental health team and a new therapist before I felt comfortable enough to talk about myself and how I felt. It still felt like I was trying to squeeze blood from a stone.

Although I didn’t realise it at the time, speaking with medical professionals was helping me develop a sense of security. It allowed me to go on to share what I was most ashamed of with my friends and family. Being able to say that I am really struggling in the moment is something I want to be able to do for myself. I’m not there yet.

It is much easier to write this now than it would have been a few weeks ago when I was at the bottom of a very hopeless hole. Every day felt like I was just trying to get my head back above water.  I am still on my way out of the hole but now I am able to write about it.

Talking isn’t easy especially about what you think people will judge you for but finding the right way for you will lift the weight of it.

If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying desbris in an already dangerous storm..png

Talk about it, write about it, read about it

 I’ve had plenty of bad experiences trying to talk to people about what I was going through. The therapist I spoke about often made me feel really misunderstood. Times before and since when I have tried to reach out I have been completely knocked down, been told by people I love they didn’t believe me, didn’t understand or called me a liar for not telling them earlier.

Not everyone is going to be able to listen or want to help. It isn’t their fault, it is just a sign that they can’t support you. Find people who can understand. Write to yourself about how you are feeling. Keep a diary or notes on your phone. Find a way to express what it going on and find communities who share your experiences.

Meditate

I know it is clichéd. Meditation has become the panacea for the world’s ills but there is a reason, it can really help.

I have always struggled with meditation, I still have to use guided meditations, as I find it difficult to settle my mind in silence. Using guided meditations has really helped develop my self-awareness, something I have always struggled with when I have been stressed or in crisis.

Have a look on youtube for some videos, have a listen, assess the narrators and topics and give it a go for a week. It won’t be easy to start with, nothing ever is, but meditation can help change the way you talk to yourself.

Don’t beat yourself up if you fuck up

  When you are struggling, whether it’s just a bad day or a full-blown mental health crisis, it can be hard not to get frustrated with yourself. Wishing you had done things differently. Wishing you didn’t have whatever condition is causing your problem. Be kind to yourself. You are not to blame for whatever is happening. You can’t beat yourself into changing. Look after yourself. Be nice to yourself and the motivation and strength you need will come eventually.

Look after yourself and if someone is making you feel bad tell them to fuck off!

Happy New Year!

 

p.s. As you may have noticed I love Brene Brown, look her up on youtube!

Self-care songs

So it is self-care week and I am having a good week so far and feeling very conscious of looking after myself. Weeks like this are good but I know that if I don’t stick to my routines and practice regular self-care it could be very different, even if I do I might be in a very different mind space tomorrow, such is the beauty of mental health!

Music is a big part of my self-care, when I am at my lowest I can listen to songs on repeat for days, to give myself the mental boost I need to get through! So in honour of self-care week I have created my top 5 self-care songs along with a SSS from my lovely pal  who I know is also having a tough time at work!

Hope you love these songs as much as me and let me know your best pick me up, self-care songs!

  1. Star Red by Nakhane, from the album You Will Not Die

I have seen Nakhane live three times this year! I love their performance and I LOVE this song! Its about their grandmother and wherever I am, whatever I am doing it makes me smile. If you haven’t heard of them look them up! Elton John is a fan and you should be too!

 

2. Doubt by Samm Henshaw ft Wretch 32

I only just saw the video for this and I love it! This song just gives me cheesey grins and I can’t help but love its optimism.

3. T.H.U.G by Todrick Hall, from the album Forbidden.

So this song is a little explicit but I just love the beat! Always gives me the attitude I need to feel like I can kick ass at work!

4. Andinanto by the Soil, from the album Nostalgic Moments

I discovered The Soil in 2013 and they their songs got me through one of the toughest years of my life! This song came up on a playlist I was listening too so thought I would chuck it in here but I could do a top 10 Soil songs all on their own! Absolutely love their voices and no matter what the song it always manages to distract me from whatever I need it too!

 

5.  King of Wishful Thinking by Go West

So this song is dedicated to my lovely pal. It is not currently on my go to pick me up songs but the video is hilarious! For anyone who needs reminding of what the 80s looked like, here you go!

 

 

Self-care at work

The last two weeks at work have been long! I have quite an intense job anyway, I come across things day to day which most people on hear about in the news, but things have been especially bad recently. Working in the sector I do has made me very aware of secondary trauma and the need to “protect” myself and those that I manage from it but I can still get overwhelmed. In the last few weeks there have been a lot of things happening at work to add extra stress and the week before last especially got too much for me.

I had too many problems to handle at once, so I fell back into unhealthy coping mechanisms, and by last Sunday was in a very dark place. The problem I have with my negative/ unhealthy coping mechanisms is that they are so easy to use. They are easy because I relied on them for so long, they helped dull the problems I had, distracted me from what I didn’t want to deal with and helped me just keep ploughing through. But they don’t help long term, it might have shifted the problem but it is still there and the longer it goes unresolved the bigger and worse it feels. When you numb yourself to pain and stress you also numb yourself to excitement and joy. If you can’t feel the highs then how will you convince yourself there is anything better waiting at the end of the lows? Most likely you won’t, you’ll look to the same unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid dealing with what feels too difficult to deal with.

I’ve seen where I end up when I keep ignoring things and just try to struggle through, pushing myself to a point where I can’t take it anymore, and I know now that it doesn’t work. I need to reassess and look after myself before trying to tackle the external factors which are causing me problems.

Whatever job you have there are going to be problems. If you work in a bar you’ll spend shifts dealing with rude drunks who treat you like scum, in a corporate business you are constantly having to meet targets and if you’re a nurse then… good god I can’t even imagine!

Anyway, the point is stress is contextual. Whatever job you have it can really impact your personal life and self-care is a really important way to manage stress at work. If you don’t find space to de-stress outside work you won’t be able to deal with the stress of work. Now self-care can be looking for a new job to get away from stress at work which is too much but it isn’t going to be immediately effective. Self-care can’t solve all your problems but does give a light relief. My light relief might be quite different to yours, but regardless of what it is, the important part is not what it is but recognising what is healthy and helpful for you. Self-care is regular practice which refreshes you, gives you a chance to enjoy something without judgement and lets you process and let go of the stress in your life.

Set up clear routines, having a clear process in the morning and evening are great ways of resetting after a hard day. Whether that is cooking, showering or reading it will be useful is setting a mental boundary between work and home. My colleague told me she uses the drive home to process her day at work and by the time she gets home she feels able to relax. On occasions when she has to finish a report or something and works at night she can feel the tension come back.  If you forget or miss part of your routine don’t beat yourself up about it, just keep trying to build self-care into your routines.

Give yourself a break.  Lots of work places don’t have staff rooms or don’t have set times for their staff to take a break.  Especially when your colleagues don’t take breaks or time for lunch it can be awkward for you too but you deserve break. Take the time you need, if you don’t have a table and need to use your desk put your computer on sleep, don’t let yourself be distracted by work or go outside and find a nicer spot to eat.

Make plans. I have just started this myself, I used an old meal planner book I hadn’t used to plan out my next two weeks. I wrote out all of the self-care I would do for myself, yoga every other day, laundry twice a week, phone calls to family, deep cleaning my teeth. As I have said I can easily get bogged down, come home from work frustrated, stay in my room watching tv and then beat myself up for not being more productive. This week I haven’t done everything I said I would on the list but I have done a lot of it and I’ve felt much better mentally.

Chair dancing. So this one is very specific to me but might work for you too! I get really unsettled in office environments, I like being able to move around and work with people face to face but that is pretty rare in the office. So when I am feeling frustrated or unsettled I put on my playlist of favourite songs and do a little lip-synch/dance at my desk. It is stupid and I sometimes worry that my colleagues will spot me but it makes me smile! For those 3-4 minutes that’s all I need.

Whatever you choose to do, give some of them a try and write down how you are feeling at the end of the day. This will help you reflect on what works and what doesn’t.

Pick me up buttercup